I will admit, I'm single. I'm almost 31. I have been in and out of significant relationships since I started dating at 16. I spent 5 years with someone I thought was the one. He turned out to be an emotionally abusive dirt bag. Less than the one and more one of many I'm finding. So at this point in my life with the big 31 looming over my head I am well and completely on my own.
I bring this up not because I'm looking for a date, to get married, or to even begin the process of dating again. I bring this up because I recently found out that 3 people I know are now engaged to be married. This is a wonderful thing. I'm excited for each and everyone of them. I'm hoping to be in the weddings. If I'm lucky I'll get an opportunity to help the 3 important people in my life celebrate the connection they have made with another human being. I am honored at the thought of being a part of that.
In that honor and excitement there is a bit of, well, jealousy. Again, not that I want to get married. No, not really that. More, well, it's like being in 3rd grade and getting picked last for dodge ball. You have every confidence you're a good player. You know the game, the rules and you've played before. You've probably even won, made it to one of the final rounds, or knocked the last person out of the game before. But somehow you're still picked last this time around, or every time around. You just can't seem to figure it out. Everyone around you is getting picked. Even Tommy over there in the glasses, who wheezes at the thought of running, has some how managed to make it on to one of the teams. In fact Tommy was one of the first guys picked to play. You just can't seem to get a handle on this. No matter how hard you try.
Spending 5 years with the last guy I dated, was like having the dodge ball team captain start to point to you. His finger is there, you can see the look in his eye as he debates his choice and just as his mouth opens, you think to your self "here it is!" This is the moment you've been waiting for, you're going to get picked. And boom, his finger moves to another player, another name get's called. You have to take a moment to think, to breath, to just be confused. You thought you had it. You were special enough, good enough, thought about enough to be picked to play. Than you just weren't. No matter how you look at that, it's a blow to the self esteem. You could find out that it's the worst team in all of dodge ball. The most loosing, damaging, horrible team ever, but at least you would have had a chance to play. It can take a moment or two to recover.
The saddest part of all is that you're not even sure you want to play dodge ball. You've seen what a barbaric game it can be. When one side is cruel, or even if it's just one other player. It can be terrifying. Constantly dodging and weaving, ducking, falling down and getting back up. It can certainly damage your backside on occasion, knock the wind out of you. Hell sometimes when you do get to play, you get laughed at, hurt and even worse... thrown off the team. It's tragic. There are so many other games. So many other opportunities out there. Games that fall more into your style. Like chess, tetris, or 4 square. You could play any one of those games, but some how, it always comes back to dodge ball.
You're sitting on the side lines watching and you see that one team. They are the golden children of dodge ball. Every player looks out for the other. When one falls down, they all help him or her up. When one player is hurt by someone else the team is there helping the hurt, giving the player strength when they have none, a chance to rest when they haven't, a chance to shine when they think they can't. You sit on the sidelines and think to your self, "This is why we play this stupid game. This is why it always comes back to dodge ball." You want to be on that team. Or to find a team like that of your own. Some where inside of you you find the strength, you get back up, you get back in line, and you wait.
Like me. I'm not a team captain, though I know girls who have been. I'm just me. Doing my thing, waiting to get picked for the dodge ball team.
I bring this up not because I'm looking for a date, to get married, or to even begin the process of dating again. I bring this up because I recently found out that 3 people I know are now engaged to be married. This is a wonderful thing. I'm excited for each and everyone of them. I'm hoping to be in the weddings. If I'm lucky I'll get an opportunity to help the 3 important people in my life celebrate the connection they have made with another human being. I am honored at the thought of being a part of that.
In that honor and excitement there is a bit of, well, jealousy. Again, not that I want to get married. No, not really that. More, well, it's like being in 3rd grade and getting picked last for dodge ball. You have every confidence you're a good player. You know the game, the rules and you've played before. You've probably even won, made it to one of the final rounds, or knocked the last person out of the game before. But somehow you're still picked last this time around, or every time around. You just can't seem to figure it out. Everyone around you is getting picked. Even Tommy over there in the glasses, who wheezes at the thought of running, has some how managed to make it on to one of the teams. In fact Tommy was one of the first guys picked to play. You just can't seem to get a handle on this. No matter how hard you try.
Spending 5 years with the last guy I dated, was like having the dodge ball team captain start to point to you. His finger is there, you can see the look in his eye as he debates his choice and just as his mouth opens, you think to your self "here it is!" This is the moment you've been waiting for, you're going to get picked. And boom, his finger moves to another player, another name get's called. You have to take a moment to think, to breath, to just be confused. You thought you had it. You were special enough, good enough, thought about enough to be picked to play. Than you just weren't. No matter how you look at that, it's a blow to the self esteem. You could find out that it's the worst team in all of dodge ball. The most loosing, damaging, horrible team ever, but at least you would have had a chance to play. It can take a moment or two to recover.
The saddest part of all is that you're not even sure you want to play dodge ball. You've seen what a barbaric game it can be. When one side is cruel, or even if it's just one other player. It can be terrifying. Constantly dodging and weaving, ducking, falling down and getting back up. It can certainly damage your backside on occasion, knock the wind out of you. Hell sometimes when you do get to play, you get laughed at, hurt and even worse... thrown off the team. It's tragic. There are so many other games. So many other opportunities out there. Games that fall more into your style. Like chess, tetris, or 4 square. You could play any one of those games, but some how, it always comes back to dodge ball.
You're sitting on the side lines watching and you see that one team. They are the golden children of dodge ball. Every player looks out for the other. When one falls down, they all help him or her up. When one player is hurt by someone else the team is there helping the hurt, giving the player strength when they have none, a chance to rest when they haven't, a chance to shine when they think they can't. You sit on the sidelines and think to your self, "This is why we play this stupid game. This is why it always comes back to dodge ball." You want to be on that team. Or to find a team like that of your own. Some where inside of you you find the strength, you get back up, you get back in line, and you wait.
Like me. I'm not a team captain, though I know girls who have been. I'm just me. Doing my thing, waiting to get picked for the dodge ball team.
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